So...yeah

Again, another crazy month.

Things change so drastically and so quickly in my little world.
And I am seriously debating on deleting my facebook. It is
a huge source of anxiety and hurt. And of course I bottle it up.
So weird how a little social network can affect people's lives so much.

So, a few posts ago I was really happy. This one, not so much.
It's funny reading back on it. I was so reluctant to admit
to any kind happiness. And seriously, the day after I posted
that, things fell completely apart. I know it's coincidental,
but it really hit me hard. And I probably will never publicly
talk about my happiness again. Sad, but oh well.
I'm dealing. A lot better than I did last time.
Except for the drinking. I need to get a handle on that.

I do want to take the time to thank my friends who have
been so supportive to me. I really don't know what I would
do without you guys. I could imagine that my situation
and my life seems kind of juvenile. I really do feel like
I am in high school again. And it must be annoying to witness
it. But I cannot thank you enough.

Especially my Moose. She really kind of took the reigns
in making sure I don't beat myself up. These past
few weeks have been really hard. And she has been there
for me in what little way she could. And it's been huge to me.
Love you so much Moose!

It will get better though. I know it will. I don't give up on love ever.
It's one of the few things I'm really good at, and it's what

life is all about.

Perspective

I am laying on my back, trying to write in my notebook.
I get back up, because my stupid pen will not let me write
in this postion.

I laid back, because I've been sitting in this position
for hours. Watching videos, playing on facebook. As I lay,
I feel better.

I stretch.

I take a moment to notice this different view.
I've never taken the time to notice before.

Upward. Onward.

I wish I didn't have a ceiling so I can keep looking.
The built-in cabinets are tall and almost have
a triangular shape, as opposed to their everyday rectangular
design.

The mannequin heads that sit atop seem so far out of reach.
Almost taunting me.
'We are up here, and you're down there!' They cackle.
'Dirty peasant!'
The mini top-hats I made and adorned them with
only add to their pompous attitudes.

The giant glowing light fixture looks almost like the moon
tonight. Full and bright.
But the white ceiling takes away from it's potential.
How brilliant it might be if it only had the chance.

Why am I not outside enjoying the potential perspective
I might have? The gorgeous full moon, in all it's glory.

The opportunities I've surpassed are as vast as the
universe. And as tiny as a molecule, depending on any given day.

Depending on perspective.

And I can change it anytime I want.

And I will...

Consumed

I'm not going to write much. I need to sit
down and write. Or even draw, or read. Make some
jewelry and get my shop running again.

But I am consumed right now. With grander things.

I would love to write every detail, but I still don't
want to make my account private. And there is
one particular person that doesn't deserve to know
anything about my life. At first it was because
I didn't want to hurt them. But after certain actions and heated words,
I just don't want them to know anything about me
or my life. And honestly things are going really good.

For once.

I'm not a superstitious kind of person, except when
it comes to my happiness. I need this right now.
I have been extremely unlucky in love. I let my guard
down and acknowledge it, suddenly it gets bad, or it
just goes away. And I don't want to ruin this one.

So for now, I am content. That's all I will say.

A Love Story

I haven't been single since high school. And since then I've dated and loved some of the most amazing men (and some not so amazing men) with whom I shared amazing years, take your breath away special moments, and built memories, some I thought would last forever.

They didn't.

I am single, at this moment, tonight, by choice. I ended my last relationship in July, after being asked politely to leave a year before that. And the past 2 months have taken me on a journey that at first I went on, kicking and screaming, crying and fighting. I didn't want to be single, you see. I wasn't supposed to be. I've had a particularly rough 2 months, filled with some wonderful dates, and some horrible dates, wasted makeup, multiple teary nights after which I told myself NO MORE DATING. Me? I am the worlds BEST girlfriend, I thought. I have so much love to give! What am I going to do with all of it? Why is the universe just letting it go to waste?

It was one of those moments...lightbulb, kick in the ass, whatever. Maybe I was wasting it on those who were undeserving. What if instead, I channeled all that love into...myself??

I stuck to it. My love story is one of turning inward...and learning to love myself, on my own. I used to depend on my significant other for so much, and I'm talking about way more than late night runs to bring me ice cream. My self worth, my identity, was always wrapped up completely in whomever I was dating. I'm still a work in progress and of course I get lonely, and miss having a chest to rest my head on at night. It's in those moments where I remember now doesn't mean it's going to be forever.

Have you ever felt your heart getting stronger or seen your identity emerge with a force you've never known? I am so different...and I love it. I have had so much time alone to think...to work on myself and figure out what exactly I need from my next, and hopefully last, partner.

I love being in love, you guys. I'm good at it. I truly believe that it is out there for me, again. HE is. I believe that if I had settled, or stayed or forgave yet again, sure I might be part of a couple, an "us", but I wouldn't be happy. I would always wonder...about myself, and about him.

Life leads us on so many different journeys, takes us places we never expected to go. I believe my love story began when I broke free of those expectations and let go...instead of wanting what I didn't have, I began appreciating every single thing I DO have....all the love being literally showered on me by family, friends,...and I began to love them back with the same vengeance and fierceness.

With that said, I can't wait to meet HIM. Now, when I meet someone I am willing to invest in, I don't forget who I am, what I have learned in the past year and a half, the things you have helped me see. My self worth, my identity will never be dependent on anyone. I will never stop loving myself, because as I've told so many friends before and finally decided to take my own advice...How can anyone truly love you when you don't completely love yourself?

They can't.

So Mr. Wonderful, whomever you maybe...I certainly hope you are working on yourself as much as I am, I can't wait to meet you, one day. Some day. No rush. My favorite ice cream is cookies and cream, just in case you are, by any chance, swinging by Albertsons. Until then, I'll get it on my own. :) See you soon...

....

Girl afraid
Where do his intentions lay?
Or does he even have any?

She says he never really looks at me
I give him every opportunity
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again


Boy afraid
Prudence never pays
And everything she wants costs money


But he doesn't even like me
And I know because he said so
In the room downstairs
She sat and stared
In the room downstairs
She sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again

Regret

This is going to be a very quick post. Because I am at work, and I'm
supposed to be working. I have moved again recently. And so I am
without computer access at home. It has been...interesting.
So my etsy account is not going to be updated for a while.
Although I have lost quite a bit of motivation to make things
recently and I am without a camera. Oh my, so much has changed
and so much has happened this past month. Because of this it
seems like a year has passed. It has been quite the roller coaster,
and everyday it seems my emotions are everywhere.

There is much to tell, and yet I can't tell it. It's
quite frustrating. One of the reasons I haven't been posting
lately is because of my struggle with my personal life
being too public. I like the idea of anyone being able
to take a peek at my little life. But I am reluctant to
post anything too personal. And I really want to be personal
and specific. I like being able to look back at this blog,
and know exactly where I was and how I was feeling. I have a
terrible memory, and I know being too general will
only make things fuzzier. So then there is the question of making it
private. Something I have been trying to avoid. I guess
when the time comes, and I am ready to talk about everything
I will make the decision. But until then, I won't be
updating very much.

You could just drop dead! That'll show em'

...I don't wanna.

I couldn't think of a title, so there you have it.

As you have noticed, I am not keeping up on my blog.
This social networking think is kicking my butt, and
has made me loathe the internet. I spend all day at
work on the computer, and then I come home and spend
all night on the internet. Trying to make sure my
etsy site gets seen, while still trying not to spam
the hell out of everyone. It is quite the challenge,
and it's getting to me. I am an extremely social
person, and I crave human contact. So spending all
this time socializing on the internet is making me
feel quite isolated. I'm even having a hard time
motivating myself to make things, because I know all the
time I'm going to have to spend listing the items and
promoting them. I have tried hard to keep it to a minimum
on facebook for the sake of my friends. But if you follow
me on twitter, you are screwed.

I have been trying to get out more, although I don't have a
lot of people to get out with. So I hit the vintage stores by myself,
and go to movies by myself. Just to still feel connected to
the outside world. I have been going dancing quite a bit,
just to get my blood flowing and I think it might actually
be helping me lose weight. Which is wonderful, since I
gained a ton of weight after I stopped going to the club.
I still go to Area 51. I've officially been going to
Area for 10 years. And I am starting to feel a little
old going there. But honestly, I don't care. They play
great music, and it just makes me feel good to get dressed
up and go sweat it out on the dance floor. There is no
better feeling right now then to just forget about all
of my stresses and let the music take over. That sounds
pretty gay, I know.

I hope you guys all know I am still reading all of your
blogs. I haven't been commenting because I can see you have
plenty of people saying the same thing I was going to
say. Congrats to all you baby makers who have popped
one out.

I don't really have any pictures to post or anything
like that. So, move on. Nothing to see here.

BLANKET!

Dedicated to Newman

Blanket! (Snuggie parody) - watch more funny videos

SPAM

Just a quick post about another photo shoot
I participated in with Kesli from Dedicated.
I really enjoy doing these, because Kesli's
themes push me to try new things.

The theme this time was Nautical Preppy Pinup

I was struggling with the theme, and I think
my interpretations were pretty literal.
But I still like the way they came out.
And I especially love how the photoshoot
turned out.

My red and white anchor necklace

You can't see it very well, but she is wearing my navy and stars bow headband.

My favorite sailor hat with hand sewn polka dot brooch and yellow and white beaded ribbon necklace.

I really love the clothes in this editorial and I wish I could pull

off any of these outfits.

The rest of the photos are over at Dedicated Follower of Fashion

And again all photos are credited to Kelsi Smith

Catching Up

So I have been really avoiding posting lately. I have had
no motivation at all. But I figured I might as well
post some stuff, as I'm sure you are all tired of being
spammed with my jewelry stuff (more to come by the way).

So first off. My dad is huge into snowmobiling. He has been
doing it since I can remember. He took me and my sister I think
when I was 10. And I have not been invited on an expedition
since. I always complained, and asked him why. Still, 19 years
later, my dad claims it was because my sister and I complained
too much about the cold. Mind you I was 10 and my sister was
probably 8. Generally two little girls are going to complain
about the cold. So one particular weekend I had tried to
go to Vegas. And some drama ensued with some friends that
made it so I couldn't go. I think my dad saw how upset I was
about the whole situation, and probably out of pity asked
if I wanted to go snowmobiling. Of course I said yes.

So I was regretting it when I had to be up by 6:30 on
a saturday. My dad and I headed up to I don't know where,
because I really don't pay attention to these things.
We listened to satellite radio on the way up.
The uncensored comedy station. And let me just tell you
My family really has no shame. We encouraged my grandma
to flash people in a limo we got her for her birthday.
But the comdey channel more than once made both of us
a little uncomfortable with it's content. Some things a
father and daughter should not be laughing about because
it's true.


Anyway, we had to sit at a grocery store for about 45 minutes
for the group to get there. Still listening to the comedy
channel. When we finally got to the destination, I was
equipped with some things that I can't remember what
they were called, because it's been too long.

This little device is supposed to help me in case there is
an avalanche. I believe it is supposed to help locate me.
Needless to say I didn't get one of these when I was little,
and it freaked me out a bit. So after they equipped me with this,
they all cracked a beer, and got on their sleds (yikes).

As we get started, I must tell you my dad it pretty crazy.
He first told me there are two rules: hang on, and hang on.
I laughed it off. But for real, I was hanging on for dear life.
I was hanging on to my dad with my arms, and clinging to the seat
with my inner thighs. These things can go fucking fast.

After about 10 minutes of riding, this happens:

Beer break.

We hang out, eat jerky and drink. I did not drink at all, because
I did not want to attempt to take off that whole jumpsuit
to pop a squat in the snow. I determined to not take a pee.

We rode for probably another 20 minutes and then:

Another beer/wine/whatever is in that flask break.
Which freaked me out, because a competition started.

You see this giant, steep hill? And do you see that tiny speck.
Well the speck is a snowmobile? And they needed to see who could
ride the highest. It was crazy to watch, and of course my dad
had to be a part of it.

This is the person that won. But I can't remember who that was.
There were these rad little tins that you could hook to the inside
of the engine. And you would put sausages or ham inside and the
engine would cook them. They were deliscious.

The day went on, and we lost a few people a few times.
A few people got stuck, and it was pretty hilarious.
As the day progressed, I was encouraged to take a sled
out by myself. I was reluctant at first, but I relented.
And it was really difficult. It takes a lot of technique,
and a whole hell of a lot of muscle. But I did like it.
I felt pretty rad, and pretty tough. And I wasn't even drunk,
because of the pee thing.

My dad was riding with his buddy Jeff on bitch. When I caught up to them,
they had tipped the sled. I really wish I had gotten a picture.
It was pretty hilarious. Anyway, we had about a total of 6 beer
breaks. It was a beautiful day though. Not cold at all, in fact
it was a little hot with all of the layers I had on. I was EXTREMELY
sore the next day from hanging on. I would totally do it again
though, but only if I could wake up later, and if I had one of these:


Women, Now You Can...PEE STANDING UP! - Funny blooper videos are here

Also wanted to give a shout out to my mom. She really is
the coolest mom ever. She is always the life of the party
(just like me...) And if anyone wants to disagree, it will
end with a dance off and a punch to the face. Love you mom!

By the way, those are free drink tokens. And that is my mom's:
'Hey, I have free drinks coming to me, and you don't' - face.

I don't usually enjoy spring...

...fashion.

I have always loathed pastels, and florals, and and shorts (yikes!)

I am a retro goth at heart.

But, something happened this year. I started really loving

florals. Like obsessing. I think it's because I'm spending so

much time on etsy. And it's hard not to be inspired by

it's whimsical nature. I still hate the shorts though.

A lovely lady I met on Twitter allowed me to express my

unusual passion for florals on her wonderful editorial

fashion shoot. And the results are so sugary sweet,

you'll get a goddamn cavity.

You have to enlarge the picture to really see it, but my pink ring
is in this one.

My Ivory Dahlia Headpiece is in this.

Lastly, she used my Dark Teal Floral Headband. And you can't
see them very well, but my Butterfly Headband is in there, and
my Ceramic Heart necklace is peeking out a little.

Thanks so much to Miss Kelsi of Stylesmith
for letting me participate in this lovely fashion shoot.
And I hope she will let me do more.

And please everyone go give Dedicated Followers of Fashion
some love. Where you can see the whole shoot, and links to
all of the wonderful etsy sellers who participated.

*All pictures are credited to Kelsi Smith,
so don't be a dick and go stealing them. Alright?*

Emo Post

Man, I've never felt so exhausted. It's so confusing,
because I'm not doing anything. I'm working, and then
I come home and put on cartoons and make jewelry.
That's it. This routine does not constitute exhaustion.

The jewelry.

This is the first push I've made to actually create a
product and sell it. And it's dissapointing. I really
love my jewelry, and I would wear it all. But etsy is
filled to the brim with talented people. People who
do this full time, and do it better and faster than I do.
I really appreciate all of my friends who have been
supporting me, and buying from me. I really hope none
of you feel pressured when I complain on twitter, or
shamelessly plug on every site I have. Thank you guys.

But really, I probably wouldn't work so hard on it, or
stress about it if I had some sort of social life, or
romantic life. I don't. And it's getting depressing.
I feel like I've spent the last 9 months in my room.
I can honestly say I really have spent the last month
in my room.

I'm almost 30, and I'm watching cartoons in my parents
basement. Yikes...

It's getting harder to stop thinking along the lines of
what I should be doing, as opposed to what I want to do.
No strike that, those two things have become the same thing.

Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on your blogs.
It starts to get hard reading about pregnancies, and babies.
Wonderful husbands and anniversaries.
I guess I was going to post about snowmobiling with my
dad, and about the drill team alumni dance. I just don't
feel like it, ya know?

Man, I'm exhausted...

Sexy People

I was going to post a ton today, but I feel like crap.
So this is all you get, but it's way better than
anything I was going to post anyway. This blog is
full of win.

I give you...Sexy People.