CLICK HERE FOR THOUSANDS OF FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES »

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I can't think of a good title.

I try very hard not to get incredibly
personal on this thing, as I think maybe
it's really gay. But I figure I want to look
back at this blog years from now, and
get a good sense of who I was.
And maybe I want to remember myself as more than
a sailor mouthed Ben Folds enthusiast.
So, I am going to be lame for the moment.

I am at the end of my 20's. And I will say my
early 20's were pretty rad. I didn't get
much accomplished, but I sure as hell had fun.
Probably too much fun, because I feel like I am
paying for that recklessness. I can say in
confidence that year 28 has been the worst
year of my life to date. And I hate saying
that, but it is the ugly truth. I am in no
way trying to get sympathy from anyone.
It's just a matter of fact. I had to put
my cat down, my main squeeze decided he has
had it with me for now after 5 years of dating.
I don't blame him, as I am no longer the same person
that he probably fell for. And since it is his families house, I had
to pack myself up and move out. And I feel
extremely pathetic because I have absolutely
nothing to show for my life except for a lot
of clothes, (and my clothes are a lot bigger in
size than they used to be, which adds to the depression)
Now, again, I am not saying these
things for you guys to feel bad for me, or say
that you are sorry. Because the position I am
in is my own fault.

These past few weeks have been an even bigger
struggle, because I don't know where to go from
here. Honestly, I didn't expect any of this.
I had always assumed I would be settled by now.
I am no further along than my 20 year old self.
In fact I feel like I am further behind, because
at least then I had nothing but possibilites.
And now I feel somewhat defeated.

I want so badly to be positive, and I am
trying. But things don't seem to be getting
any better. I guess I am just getting really
tired of thinking about my future, and I wish
I could just be. Ya know? It sucks looking at
everyone's little families growing, and people
being so happy and content. And thinking to
myself 'Why can't I have that?'
I've made a ton of mistakes, but I feel
like I deserve something. Maybe I'm wrong.

So I turned 29 in September, and I have
some pretty amazing shoes and a little
hope for things to work out with me and you.
But, holy shit...that hope is fading.
And I'm afraid I will be 30, and all
I will have is more amazing shoes.

Yikes...this was incredibly gay.

8 comments:

Tara said...

Not gay at all my friend! I'm glad you let us into a little of how you are feeling lately. I can understand you feeling like that in some ways but here are some things that I KNOW you have going for you:

You are INCREDIBLY talented in so many ways!
You are beautiful!
You have a great job that you work very hard at!
You are an awesome friend!
You are pretty damn hilarious!
You harmonize BackStreet Boys songs quite well!
You are not afraid to say what you think!
And I love, love, love ya!! ;)

I'm sorry this was the worst year of your life. You are one of the coolest girls I know and I know things will look up for you as well. You can call me/email me anytime!! Or hell, take yourself a vacation and come play with me in Vegas!!

Jess said...

I can't think of a good comment... except to say... amazing shoes are pretty cool...?

And I think you're neither lame nor gay. Dan would totally back me up on that, too. I know it :)

Sometimes a shitty year is just that: a shitty year. Here's to a better 29 [clinking of glasses].

heather said...

Not gay at all my friend. Rather refreishingly real. I do hope you know that amidst all of these flowery family blogs that you are inundated with also comes much self doubt and self loathing. We just, like you, try to focus on the positives most of the time. It sucks that this year has sucked and it is totally normal that you felt like posting this. I say relish those shoes that I envy and you too will be happy, as soon as you forget that you "should" be sad. Everything in its time.

i love you, my little Sarah Jessica Parker friend.

Kelley Rae said...

Ditto to everything that was said above!! Heather is right, you have no idea how much idealizing we do of each other's lives when all we see sometimes is this virtual picture. Regardless of how much we have "accomplished" I don't think anyone has that perfectly positive outlook or thinks they couldn't have more, be more, or do more. I love that you have LIVED! I sometimes feel like I didn't do enough of that because I was so focused on getting somewhere. Now that I'm "here" (whatever that is) I wish I could have enjoyed the ride a little bit more. Happy late birthday :) and I hope your 29th year is the best yet.

Tara said...

Teish I keep coming back to my comment because I said "I can understand you feeling like that" I totally didn't mean that the way it sounded once I reread my comment!! I was just trying to say that I understand feeling like you haven't accomplished as much as you wanted to (we've all felt like that to some extent) NOT that I thought you had reasons to feel that way..

Ok hopefully I cleared that up. That was driving me nutts and I felt bad! Love ya!

Maranda said...

Ah Teish I'm sorry to hear your down in the dumps:( This is a great place to receive uplifting comments from people who think you are great!

I love the quote by C.S Lewis,
"You are never too old to set a new goal or dream a new dream."

You can do or be anything at any age. It doesn't matter how fast you gradute, how great the degree, or how great the job...as long as you find the joy in it yourself none of the other stuff matters.

Hang in there.

Now I think you need a night out with the girls!!!!

KMC☠ßUЯKE said...

TEISHA SMEISHA. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL TRUST ME. IT MAY BE HARD TO BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT BUT TRUST ME I TOTALLY KNOW. UP UNTIL 2006 I WAS DOING THE SAME THING. DATING SWARMS OF IDIOTS AND DIGGING MYSELF DEEPER IN HELL. WHEN I FOUND OUT NATE CHEATED ON ME.. THAT MORNING I PACKED UP AND LEFT ALL I HAD WERE MY CLOTHES AND PERSONAL STUFF. NO FURNITURE NO JOB OR EVEN PRIDE FOR THAT MATTER. EVERYTHING FIT INTO MY 92 GHETTO ASS CADI WHICH THAT VERY MORNING I GOT REAR ENDED BY UTAH POWER & LIGHT AND IT MADE MY CARE EVEN MORE GHETTO. HOWEVER STRANGELY THAT MADE EVERYTHING BETTER CUZ NOTHING COULD GET WORSE. I STARTED HANGING OUT WITH KEN THAT SAME DAY AND A FEW WEEKS LATER I GOT A CHECK FOR $3K.... JOBLESS I USED THE MONEY TO PAY DARCI RENT FOR THE SUMMER AND THE REST WAS USED WELLL..... FOR ALCOHOL AND A WHOLE LOTTA FUN! SO OKAY I TOTALLY SUCK AND SHOULD HAVE PAID SOME WARRANTS BUT FUN SOUNDED A LITTLE MORE FUN. THINGS WILL WORK OUT FOR YOU I PROMISE. I THOUGHT I WAS DOOMED TO DATING THE MEANEST GUYS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE BUT SOMEHOW ONEDAY EVERYTHING JUST CHANGED. IT WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU. IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER I CRIED ALL DAY ON MY 29TH BIRTHDAY. I DIDN'T SLEEP ALL NIGHT CUZ I WAS SO STUFFED UP. I HAD A BAD HAIR DAY. MY GIFT CARD GOT DECLINED. CHLOE YELLED AT ME ALL DAY. I CRIED ABOUT 4 TIMES ON MY BDAY. YOU AND I SHOULD HAVE A 30 YEAR OLD BIRTHDAY BASH NEXT YEAR IN VEGAS OR SOMETHING. WE CAN STAY WITH NEWMAN.... WELL MAYBE WE SHOULD GET A HOTEL LOL. WAIT. LET'S GO HAVE A GIRLS WEEKEND IN VEGAS WITH A BUNCH OF GIRLIES.... AFTER CHRISTMAS OF COURSE. AND OF COURSE AFTER WE GET OUR TAXES.... HAHA. COME PLAY TEISHA KEN WILL BE OUTTA TOWN FOR THE NEXT 2 MONTHS. CALL ME AND LETS PLAY 512-9147

Booth and Tiffany Jenson said...

what? maybe we need to talk. i always thought that you have had it all together. its really easy to compare when you look at all these blogs because i do the same thing. you always have been the person who can really make me laugh. you are th bestest auntie and friend i love ya more than you know teish.