Perspective

I am laying on my back, trying to write in my notebook.
I get back up, because my stupid pen will not let me write
in this postion.

I laid back, because I've been sitting in this position
for hours. Watching videos, playing on facebook. As I lay,
I feel better.

I stretch.

I take a moment to notice this different view.
I've never taken the time to notice before.

Upward. Onward.

I wish I didn't have a ceiling so I can keep looking.
The built-in cabinets are tall and almost have
a triangular shape, as opposed to their everyday rectangular
design.

The mannequin heads that sit atop seem so far out of reach.
Almost taunting me.
'We are up here, and you're down there!' They cackle.
'Dirty peasant!'
The mini top-hats I made and adorned them with
only add to their pompous attitudes.

The giant glowing light fixture looks almost like the moon
tonight. Full and bright.
But the white ceiling takes away from it's potential.
How brilliant it might be if it only had the chance.

Why am I not outside enjoying the potential perspective
I might have? The gorgeous full moon, in all it's glory.

The opportunities I've surpassed are as vast as the
universe. And as tiny as a molecule, depending on any given day.

Depending on perspective.

And I can change it anytime I want.

And I will...

Consumed

I'm not going to write much. I need to sit
down and write. Or even draw, or read. Make some
jewelry and get my shop running again.

But I am consumed right now. With grander things.

I would love to write every detail, but I still don't
want to make my account private. And there is
one particular person that doesn't deserve to know
anything about my life. At first it was because
I didn't want to hurt them. But after certain actions and heated words,
I just don't want them to know anything about me
or my life. And honestly things are going really good.

For once.

I'm not a superstitious kind of person, except when
it comes to my happiness. I need this right now.
I have been extremely unlucky in love. I let my guard
down and acknowledge it, suddenly it gets bad, or it
just goes away. And I don't want to ruin this one.

So for now, I am content. That's all I will say.

A Love Story

I haven't been single since high school. And since then I've dated and loved some of the most amazing men (and some not so amazing men) with whom I shared amazing years, take your breath away special moments, and built memories, some I thought would last forever.

They didn't.

I am single, at this moment, tonight, by choice. I ended my last relationship in July, after being asked politely to leave a year before that. And the past 2 months have taken me on a journey that at first I went on, kicking and screaming, crying and fighting. I didn't want to be single, you see. I wasn't supposed to be. I've had a particularly rough 2 months, filled with some wonderful dates, and some horrible dates, wasted makeup, multiple teary nights after which I told myself NO MORE DATING. Me? I am the worlds BEST girlfriend, I thought. I have so much love to give! What am I going to do with all of it? Why is the universe just letting it go to waste?

It was one of those moments...lightbulb, kick in the ass, whatever. Maybe I was wasting it on those who were undeserving. What if instead, I channeled all that love into...myself??

I stuck to it. My love story is one of turning inward...and learning to love myself, on my own. I used to depend on my significant other for so much, and I'm talking about way more than late night runs to bring me ice cream. My self worth, my identity, was always wrapped up completely in whomever I was dating. I'm still a work in progress and of course I get lonely, and miss having a chest to rest my head on at night. It's in those moments where I remember now doesn't mean it's going to be forever.

Have you ever felt your heart getting stronger or seen your identity emerge with a force you've never known? I am so different...and I love it. I have had so much time alone to think...to work on myself and figure out what exactly I need from my next, and hopefully last, partner.

I love being in love, you guys. I'm good at it. I truly believe that it is out there for me, again. HE is. I believe that if I had settled, or stayed or forgave yet again, sure I might be part of a couple, an "us", but I wouldn't be happy. I would always wonder...about myself, and about him.

Life leads us on so many different journeys, takes us places we never expected to go. I believe my love story began when I broke free of those expectations and let go...instead of wanting what I didn't have, I began appreciating every single thing I DO have....all the love being literally showered on me by family, friends,...and I began to love them back with the same vengeance and fierceness.

With that said, I can't wait to meet HIM. Now, when I meet someone I am willing to invest in, I don't forget who I am, what I have learned in the past year and a half, the things you have helped me see. My self worth, my identity will never be dependent on anyone. I will never stop loving myself, because as I've told so many friends before and finally decided to take my own advice...How can anyone truly love you when you don't completely love yourself?

They can't.

So Mr. Wonderful, whomever you maybe...I certainly hope you are working on yourself as much as I am, I can't wait to meet you, one day. Some day. No rush. My favorite ice cream is cookies and cream, just in case you are, by any chance, swinging by Albertsons. Until then, I'll get it on my own. :) See you soon...

....

Girl afraid
Where do his intentions lay?
Or does he even have any?

She says he never really looks at me
I give him every opportunity
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again


Boy afraid
Prudence never pays
And everything she wants costs money


But he doesn't even like me
And I know because he said so
In the room downstairs
She sat and stared
In the room downstairs
She sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again

Regret

This is going to be a very quick post. Because I am at work, and I'm
supposed to be working. I have moved again recently. And so I am
without computer access at home. It has been...interesting.
So my etsy account is not going to be updated for a while.
Although I have lost quite a bit of motivation to make things
recently and I am without a camera. Oh my, so much has changed
and so much has happened this past month. Because of this it
seems like a year has passed. It has been quite the roller coaster,
and everyday it seems my emotions are everywhere.

There is much to tell, and yet I can't tell it. It's
quite frustrating. One of the reasons I haven't been posting
lately is because of my struggle with my personal life
being too public. I like the idea of anyone being able
to take a peek at my little life. But I am reluctant to
post anything too personal. And I really want to be personal
and specific. I like being able to look back at this blog,
and know exactly where I was and how I was feeling. I have a
terrible memory, and I know being too general will
only make things fuzzier. So then there is the question of making it
private. Something I have been trying to avoid. I guess
when the time comes, and I am ready to talk about everything
I will make the decision. But until then, I won't be
updating very much.

You could just drop dead! That'll show em'

...I don't wanna.

I couldn't think of a title, so there you have it.

As you have noticed, I am not keeping up on my blog.
This social networking think is kicking my butt, and
has made me loathe the internet. I spend all day at
work on the computer, and then I come home and spend
all night on the internet. Trying to make sure my
etsy site gets seen, while still trying not to spam
the hell out of everyone. It is quite the challenge,
and it's getting to me. I am an extremely social
person, and I crave human contact. So spending all
this time socializing on the internet is making me
feel quite isolated. I'm even having a hard time
motivating myself to make things, because I know all the
time I'm going to have to spend listing the items and
promoting them. I have tried hard to keep it to a minimum
on facebook for the sake of my friends. But if you follow
me on twitter, you are screwed.

I have been trying to get out more, although I don't have a
lot of people to get out with. So I hit the vintage stores by myself,
and go to movies by myself. Just to still feel connected to
the outside world. I have been going dancing quite a bit,
just to get my blood flowing and I think it might actually
be helping me lose weight. Which is wonderful, since I
gained a ton of weight after I stopped going to the club.
I still go to Area 51. I've officially been going to
Area for 10 years. And I am starting to feel a little
old going there. But honestly, I don't care. They play
great music, and it just makes me feel good to get dressed
up and go sweat it out on the dance floor. There is no
better feeling right now then to just forget about all
of my stresses and let the music take over. That sounds
pretty gay, I know.

I hope you guys all know I am still reading all of your
blogs. I haven't been commenting because I can see you have
plenty of people saying the same thing I was going to
say. Congrats to all you baby makers who have popped
one out.

I don't really have any pictures to post or anything
like that. So, move on. Nothing to see here.

BLANKET!

Dedicated to Newman

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