A Love Story

I haven't been single since high school. And since then I've dated and loved some of the most amazing men (and some not so amazing men) with whom I shared amazing years, take your breath away special moments, and built memories, some I thought would last forever.

They didn't.

I am single, at this moment, tonight, by choice. I ended my last relationship in July, after being asked politely to leave a year before that. And the past 2 months have taken me on a journey that at first I went on, kicking and screaming, crying and fighting. I didn't want to be single, you see. I wasn't supposed to be. I've had a particularly rough 2 months, filled with some wonderful dates, and some horrible dates, wasted makeup, multiple teary nights after which I told myself NO MORE DATING. Me? I am the worlds BEST girlfriend, I thought. I have so much love to give! What am I going to do with all of it? Why is the universe just letting it go to waste?

It was one of those moments...lightbulb, kick in the ass, whatever. Maybe I was wasting it on those who were undeserving. What if instead, I channeled all that love into...myself??

I stuck to it. My love story is one of turning inward...and learning to love myself, on my own. I used to depend on my significant other for so much, and I'm talking about way more than late night runs to bring me ice cream. My self worth, my identity, was always wrapped up completely in whomever I was dating. I'm still a work in progress and of course I get lonely, and miss having a chest to rest my head on at night. It's in those moments where I remember now doesn't mean it's going to be forever.

Have you ever felt your heart getting stronger or seen your identity emerge with a force you've never known? I am so different...and I love it. I have had so much time alone to think...to work on myself and figure out what exactly I need from my next, and hopefully last, partner.

I love being in love, you guys. I'm good at it. I truly believe that it is out there for me, again. HE is. I believe that if I had settled, or stayed or forgave yet again, sure I might be part of a couple, an "us", but I wouldn't be happy. I would always wonder...about myself, and about him.

Life leads us on so many different journeys, takes us places we never expected to go. I believe my love story began when I broke free of those expectations and let go...instead of wanting what I didn't have, I began appreciating every single thing I DO have....all the love being literally showered on me by family, friends,...and I began to love them back with the same vengeance and fierceness.

With that said, I can't wait to meet HIM. Now, when I meet someone I am willing to invest in, I don't forget who I am, what I have learned in the past year and a half, the things you have helped me see. My self worth, my identity will never be dependent on anyone. I will never stop loving myself, because as I've told so many friends before and finally decided to take my own advice...How can anyone truly love you when you don't completely love yourself?

They can't.

So Mr. Wonderful, whomever you maybe...I certainly hope you are working on yourself as much as I am, I can't wait to meet you, one day. Some day. No rush. My favorite ice cream is cookies and cream, just in case you are, by any chance, swinging by Albertsons. Until then, I'll get it on my own. :) See you soon...

....

Girl afraid
Where do his intentions lay?
Or does he even have any?

She says he never really looks at me
I give him every opportunity
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again


Boy afraid
Prudence never pays
And everything she wants costs money


But he doesn't even like me
And I know because he said so
In the room downstairs
She sat and stared
In the room downstairs
She sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again

Regret

This is going to be a very quick post. Because I am at work, and I'm
supposed to be working. I have moved again recently. And so I am
without computer access at home. It has been...interesting.
So my etsy account is not going to be updated for a while.
Although I have lost quite a bit of motivation to make things
recently and I am without a camera. Oh my, so much has changed
and so much has happened this past month. Because of this it
seems like a year has passed. It has been quite the roller coaster,
and everyday it seems my emotions are everywhere.

There is much to tell, and yet I can't tell it. It's
quite frustrating. One of the reasons I haven't been posting
lately is because of my struggle with my personal life
being too public. I like the idea of anyone being able
to take a peek at my little life. But I am reluctant to
post anything too personal. And I really want to be personal
and specific. I like being able to look back at this blog,
and know exactly where I was and how I was feeling. I have a
terrible memory, and I know being too general will
only make things fuzzier. So then there is the question of making it
private. Something I have been trying to avoid. I guess
when the time comes, and I am ready to talk about everything
I will make the decision. But until then, I won't be
updating very much.

You could just drop dead! That'll show em'

...I don't wanna.

I couldn't think of a title, so there you have it.

As you have noticed, I am not keeping up on my blog.
This social networking think is kicking my butt, and
has made me loathe the internet. I spend all day at
work on the computer, and then I come home and spend
all night on the internet. Trying to make sure my
etsy site gets seen, while still trying not to spam
the hell out of everyone. It is quite the challenge,
and it's getting to me. I am an extremely social
person, and I crave human contact. So spending all
this time socializing on the internet is making me
feel quite isolated. I'm even having a hard time
motivating myself to make things, because I know all the
time I'm going to have to spend listing the items and
promoting them. I have tried hard to keep it to a minimum
on facebook for the sake of my friends. But if you follow
me on twitter, you are screwed.

I have been trying to get out more, although I don't have a
lot of people to get out with. So I hit the vintage stores by myself,
and go to movies by myself. Just to still feel connected to
the outside world. I have been going dancing quite a bit,
just to get my blood flowing and I think it might actually
be helping me lose weight. Which is wonderful, since I
gained a ton of weight after I stopped going to the club.
I still go to Area 51. I've officially been going to
Area for 10 years. And I am starting to feel a little
old going there. But honestly, I don't care. They play
great music, and it just makes me feel good to get dressed
up and go sweat it out on the dance floor. There is no
better feeling right now then to just forget about all
of my stresses and let the music take over. That sounds
pretty gay, I know.

I hope you guys all know I am still reading all of your
blogs. I haven't been commenting because I can see you have
plenty of people saying the same thing I was going to
say. Congrats to all you baby makers who have popped
one out.

I don't really have any pictures to post or anything
like that. So, move on. Nothing to see here.

BLANKET!

Dedicated to Newman

Blanket! (Snuggie parody) - watch more funny videos

SPAM

Just a quick post about another photo shoot
I participated in with Kesli from Dedicated.
I really enjoy doing these, because Kesli's
themes push me to try new things.

The theme this time was Nautical Preppy Pinup

I was struggling with the theme, and I think
my interpretations were pretty literal.
But I still like the way they came out.
And I especially love how the photoshoot
turned out.

My red and white anchor necklace

You can't see it very well, but she is wearing my navy and stars bow headband.

My favorite sailor hat with hand sewn polka dot brooch and yellow and white beaded ribbon necklace.

I really love the clothes in this editorial and I wish I could pull

off any of these outfits.

The rest of the photos are over at Dedicated Follower of Fashion

And again all photos are credited to Kelsi Smith

Catching Up

So I have been really avoiding posting lately. I have had
no motivation at all. But I figured I might as well
post some stuff, as I'm sure you are all tired of being
spammed with my jewelry stuff (more to come by the way).

So first off. My dad is huge into snowmobiling. He has been
doing it since I can remember. He took me and my sister I think
when I was 10. And I have not been invited on an expedition
since. I always complained, and asked him why. Still, 19 years
later, my dad claims it was because my sister and I complained
too much about the cold. Mind you I was 10 and my sister was
probably 8. Generally two little girls are going to complain
about the cold. So one particular weekend I had tried to
go to Vegas. And some drama ensued with some friends that
made it so I couldn't go. I think my dad saw how upset I was
about the whole situation, and probably out of pity asked
if I wanted to go snowmobiling. Of course I said yes.

So I was regretting it when I had to be up by 6:30 on
a saturday. My dad and I headed up to I don't know where,
because I really don't pay attention to these things.
We listened to satellite radio on the way up.
The uncensored comedy station. And let me just tell you
My family really has no shame. We encouraged my grandma
to flash people in a limo we got her for her birthday.
But the comdey channel more than once made both of us
a little uncomfortable with it's content. Some things a
father and daughter should not be laughing about because
it's true.


Anyway, we had to sit at a grocery store for about 45 minutes
for the group to get there. Still listening to the comedy
channel. When we finally got to the destination, I was
equipped with some things that I can't remember what
they were called, because it's been too long.

This little device is supposed to help me in case there is
an avalanche. I believe it is supposed to help locate me.
Needless to say I didn't get one of these when I was little,
and it freaked me out a bit. So after they equipped me with this,
they all cracked a beer, and got on their sleds (yikes).

As we get started, I must tell you my dad it pretty crazy.
He first told me there are two rules: hang on, and hang on.
I laughed it off. But for real, I was hanging on for dear life.
I was hanging on to my dad with my arms, and clinging to the seat
with my inner thighs. These things can go fucking fast.

After about 10 minutes of riding, this happens:

Beer break.

We hang out, eat jerky and drink. I did not drink at all, because
I did not want to attempt to take off that whole jumpsuit
to pop a squat in the snow. I determined to not take a pee.

We rode for probably another 20 minutes and then:

Another beer/wine/whatever is in that flask break.
Which freaked me out, because a competition started.

You see this giant, steep hill? And do you see that tiny speck.
Well the speck is a snowmobile? And they needed to see who could
ride the highest. It was crazy to watch, and of course my dad
had to be a part of it.

This is the person that won. But I can't remember who that was.
There were these rad little tins that you could hook to the inside
of the engine. And you would put sausages or ham inside and the
engine would cook them. They were deliscious.

The day went on, and we lost a few people a few times.
A few people got stuck, and it was pretty hilarious.
As the day progressed, I was encouraged to take a sled
out by myself. I was reluctant at first, but I relented.
And it was really difficult. It takes a lot of technique,
and a whole hell of a lot of muscle. But I did like it.
I felt pretty rad, and pretty tough. And I wasn't even drunk,
because of the pee thing.

My dad was riding with his buddy Jeff on bitch. When I caught up to them,
they had tipped the sled. I really wish I had gotten a picture.
It was pretty hilarious. Anyway, we had about a total of 6 beer
breaks. It was a beautiful day though. Not cold at all, in fact
it was a little hot with all of the layers I had on. I was EXTREMELY
sore the next day from hanging on. I would totally do it again
though, but only if I could wake up later, and if I had one of these:


Women, Now You Can...PEE STANDING UP! - Funny blooper videos are here

Also wanted to give a shout out to my mom. She really is
the coolest mom ever. She is always the life of the party
(just like me...) And if anyone wants to disagree, it will
end with a dance off and a punch to the face. Love you mom!

By the way, those are free drink tokens. And that is my mom's:
'Hey, I have free drinks coming to me, and you don't' - face.