Evaporated

Guilty

I decided to take a little gander at your blogs for the first time in a while. I felt a little guilty that I haven't updated here in a while. I've been managing 2 other blogs, and even those I'm not keeping up on as much as I should.

Things have been swell. Even though I lost my full and part time job, I am still pretty lucky that I'm still with Vin. And he is just damn cool. Even though I'm sure it's challenging for him to put up with me (I am extremely co-dependant). It's been strange to be in a pretty balanced relationship, compared to my last. I kind of forgot about enjoying my time with another person without having to worry about everything I said and did. He has been extremely supportive, and has helped me more than I would like to admit.


I'm still trying to get my shit together as far as a job. I never thought I would get to the point again where having a full time job would be extremely appealing. I seriously wake up and wish I had work. I'm feeling pretty damn useless. I would really love to get my Etsy shop up and running again. But unfortunately I need money for supplies and fees that I just don't have right now. But I am still keeping folders of ideas. I'm not giving up yet.

Anyway, that's my little gay update. If you want specifics, feel free to check my other blog dedicated to my Vin. You and Meme

I guess it was probably a bad idea to leave the blog on such
a negative note for so long. Since a lot of you know things have changed
again.

Vin and I started dating again. And things are much better this
time. Actually completely wonderful. I'm sure a lot of you who
who are on facebook have seen my posts and relationship status.
And some of you have actually gotten to meet him.

We are together, and extremely happy. We are pretty big dorks.
I won't be here updating much more. I created a new blog
about us. And you are more than welcome to take a look.

Although I will warn you, it is extremely cheesy :)


You and Meme

So...yeah

Again, another crazy month.

Things change so drastically and so quickly in my little world.
And I am seriously debating on deleting my facebook. It is
a huge source of anxiety and hurt. And of course I bottle it up.
So weird how a little social network can affect people's lives so much.

So, a few posts ago I was really happy. This one, not so much.
It's funny reading back on it. I was so reluctant to admit
to any kind happiness. And seriously, the day after I posted
that, things fell completely apart. I know it's coincidental,
but it really hit me hard. And I probably will never publicly
talk about my happiness again. Sad, but oh well.
I'm dealing. A lot better than I did last time.
Except for the drinking. I need to get a handle on that.

I do want to take the time to thank my friends who have
been so supportive to me. I really don't know what I would
do without you guys. I could imagine that my situation
and my life seems kind of juvenile. I really do feel like
I am in high school again. And it must be annoying to witness
it. But I cannot thank you enough.

Especially my Moose. She really kind of took the reigns
in making sure I don't beat myself up. These past
few weeks have been really hard. And she has been there
for me in what little way she could. And it's been huge to me.
Love you so much Moose!

It will get better though. I know it will. I don't give up on love ever.
It's one of the few things I'm really good at, and it's what

life is all about.

Perspective

I am laying on my back, trying to write in my notebook.
I get back up, because my stupid pen will not let me write
in this postion.

I laid back, because I've been sitting in this position
for hours. Watching videos, playing on facebook. As I lay,
I feel better.

I stretch.

I take a moment to notice this different view.
I've never taken the time to notice before.

Upward. Onward.

I wish I didn't have a ceiling so I can keep looking.
The built-in cabinets are tall and almost have
a triangular shape, as opposed to their everyday rectangular
design.

The mannequin heads that sit atop seem so far out of reach.
Almost taunting me.
'We are up here, and you're down there!' They cackle.
'Dirty peasant!'
The mini top-hats I made and adorned them with
only add to their pompous attitudes.

The giant glowing light fixture looks almost like the moon
tonight. Full and bright.
But the white ceiling takes away from it's potential.
How brilliant it might be if it only had the chance.

Why am I not outside enjoying the potential perspective
I might have? The gorgeous full moon, in all it's glory.

The opportunities I've surpassed are as vast as the
universe. And as tiny as a molecule, depending on any given day.

Depending on perspective.

And I can change it anytime I want.

And I will...

Consumed

I'm not going to write much. I need to sit
down and write. Or even draw, or read. Make some
jewelry and get my shop running again.

But I am consumed right now. With grander things.

I would love to write every detail, but I still don't
want to make my account private. And there is
one particular person that doesn't deserve to know
anything about my life. At first it was because
I didn't want to hurt them. But after certain actions and heated words,
I just don't want them to know anything about me
or my life. And honestly things are going really good.

For once.

I'm not a superstitious kind of person, except when
it comes to my happiness. I need this right now.
I have been extremely unlucky in love. I let my guard
down and acknowledge it, suddenly it gets bad, or it
just goes away. And I don't want to ruin this one.

So for now, I am content. That's all I will say.

A Love Story

I haven't been single since high school. And since then I've dated and loved some of the most amazing men (and some not so amazing men) with whom I shared amazing years, take your breath away special moments, and built memories, some I thought would last forever.

They didn't.

I am single, at this moment, tonight, by choice. I ended my last relationship in July, after being asked politely to leave a year before that. And the past 2 months have taken me on a journey that at first I went on, kicking and screaming, crying and fighting. I didn't want to be single, you see. I wasn't supposed to be. I've had a particularly rough 2 months, filled with some wonderful dates, and some horrible dates, wasted makeup, multiple teary nights after which I told myself NO MORE DATING. Me? I am the worlds BEST girlfriend, I thought. I have so much love to give! What am I going to do with all of it? Why is the universe just letting it go to waste?

It was one of those moments...lightbulb, kick in the ass, whatever. Maybe I was wasting it on those who were undeserving. What if instead, I channeled all that love into...myself??

I stuck to it. My love story is one of turning inward...and learning to love myself, on my own. I used to depend on my significant other for so much, and I'm talking about way more than late night runs to bring me ice cream. My self worth, my identity, was always wrapped up completely in whomever I was dating. I'm still a work in progress and of course I get lonely, and miss having a chest to rest my head on at night. It's in those moments where I remember now doesn't mean it's going to be forever.

Have you ever felt your heart getting stronger or seen your identity emerge with a force you've never known? I am so different...and I love it. I have had so much time alone to think...to work on myself and figure out what exactly I need from my next, and hopefully last, partner.

I love being in love, you guys. I'm good at it. I truly believe that it is out there for me, again. HE is. I believe that if I had settled, or stayed or forgave yet again, sure I might be part of a couple, an "us", but I wouldn't be happy. I would always wonder...about myself, and about him.

Life leads us on so many different journeys, takes us places we never expected to go. I believe my love story began when I broke free of those expectations and let go...instead of wanting what I didn't have, I began appreciating every single thing I DO have....all the love being literally showered on me by family, friends,...and I began to love them back with the same vengeance and fierceness.

With that said, I can't wait to meet HIM. Now, when I meet someone I am willing to invest in, I don't forget who I am, what I have learned in the past year and a half, the things you have helped me see. My self worth, my identity will never be dependent on anyone. I will never stop loving myself, because as I've told so many friends before and finally decided to take my own advice...How can anyone truly love you when you don't completely love yourself?

They can't.

So Mr. Wonderful, whomever you maybe...I certainly hope you are working on yourself as much as I am, I can't wait to meet you, one day. Some day. No rush. My favorite ice cream is cookies and cream, just in case you are, by any chance, swinging by Albertsons. Until then, I'll get it on my own. :) See you soon...