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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A Love Story

I haven't been single since high school. And since then I've dated and loved some of the most amazing men (and some not so amazing men) with whom I shared amazing years, take your breath away special moments, and built memories, some I thought would last forever.

They didn't.

I am single, at this moment, tonight, by choice. I ended my last relationship in July, after being asked politely to leave a year before that. And the past 2 months have taken me on a journey that at first I went on, kicking and screaming, crying and fighting. I didn't want to be single, you see. I wasn't supposed to be. I've had a particularly rough 2 months, filled with some wonderful dates, and some horrible dates, wasted makeup, multiple teary nights after which I told myself NO MORE DATING. Me? I am the worlds BEST girlfriend, I thought. I have so much love to give! What am I going to do with all of it? Why is the universe just letting it go to waste?

It was one of those moments...lightbulb, kick in the ass, whatever. Maybe I was wasting it on those who were undeserving. What if instead, I channeled all that love into...myself??

I stuck to it. My love story is one of turning inward...and learning to love myself, on my own. I used to depend on my significant other for so much, and I'm talking about way more than late night runs to bring me ice cream. My self worth, my identity, was always wrapped up completely in whomever I was dating. I'm still a work in progress and of course I get lonely, and miss having a chest to rest my head on at night. It's in those moments where I remember now doesn't mean it's going to be forever.

Have you ever felt your heart getting stronger or seen your identity emerge with a force you've never known? I am so different...and I love it. I have had so much time alone to think...to work on myself and figure out what exactly I need from my next, and hopefully last, partner.

I love being in love, you guys. I'm good at it. I truly believe that it is out there for me, again. HE is. I believe that if I had settled, or stayed or forgave yet again, sure I might be part of a couple, an "us", but I wouldn't be happy. I would always wonder...about myself, and about him.

Life leads us on so many different journeys, takes us places we never expected to go. I believe my love story began when I broke free of those expectations and let go...instead of wanting what I didn't have, I began appreciating every single thing I DO have....all the love being literally showered on me by family, friends,...and I began to love them back with the same vengeance and fierceness.

With that said, I can't wait to meet HIM. Now, when I meet someone I am willing to invest in, I don't forget who I am, what I have learned in the past year and a half, the things you have helped me see. My self worth, my identity will never be dependent on anyone. I will never stop loving myself, because as I've told so many friends before and finally decided to take my own advice...How can anyone truly love you when you don't completely love yourself?

They can't.

So Mr. Wonderful, whomever you maybe...I certainly hope you are working on yourself as much as I am, I can't wait to meet you, one day. Some day. No rush. My favorite ice cream is cookies and cream, just in case you are, by any chance, swinging by Albertsons. Until then, I'll get it on my own. :) See you soon...

8 comments:

Jess said...

You're awesome, Teish. And you deserve to be happy...

It sounds like you had a good bday. I am sorry I missed your party. Dang babies coming early! Anyway, happy 30 from the Claire Bear and me :)

Heather B said...

Teisha,

Alright, I'm out. I admit, I've been stalking your blog a little the past little while. This post was too sweet not to comment on. What a cool thing it will be to share with the future "one." And of course he's out there! You are too cute and sweet and sassy for him not to be!

Tara Thompson said...

LOVE this post Teish! And I am so freakin happy that you feel that way. I was thinking about you while you were in the relationship with the ex and thinking that girl is way too good for him and that whole situation (I'm talking about the one before the last one..) I'm so glad that you are seeing that in yourself now! It's about time you realized how freakin cool you are. ;) Love ya!

p.s. This reminds me of that sex and the City episode. Should I send you a wedding gift?!

Kelley Rae said...

What an amazing post...so brave to let us see a vulnerable side of you, and at the same time a stronger and more confident you. Don't know too much about the awesome girlfriend part Ü, but you are an awesome person and some lucky guy will find you.

And I found a Ben Folds stencil that made me want to make something for you...maybe a pillow so you can rest your head on his chest in the meantime?!

Michael St. James said...

i agree with the other commenters. you're very brave! you'll find the man of your dreams some day, but in the mean time, have fun being single. Thanks for sharing. Awesome blog!

Teisha said...

Thanks everyone for reading. Thanks Heather B. for finally stopping by and saying hi. And Miss Kelley, it would the coolest thing ever to have a Ben Folds pillow. I might make out with it though.

Maranda said...

What a great post Teish! You are such a neat gal you have so much to offer and so much talent.

It is sometimes hard to love ourselves, but I believe if we don't love ourselves, it is very difficult love others.

I recently read a book that was filled with inspiring messages and quotes. A couple that might apply for you:

"When one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"Woman must come of age by herself-she must find her true center alone." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Anyway, glad you are doing well and happy:)

heather said...

Aw Teish. You have nothing to worry about. You're beautiful, amazing and everything "he" is looking for. You just need to let him come to you now. I'm glad you're finally beginning to love what all of us have loved in you for so long.